Flag-Raising My Hijab: An American Woman’s Decision
The first time I prayed the Islamic prayer, or salat, I stood in my living room in the silvery morning just moments before dawn. I was self-conscious and unsure of what to do. I had prepared flash cards to help me through the complicated process of standing, sitting, and bowing while reciting verses in Arabic. I stood facing Mecca and folded my right hand across my chest. My left hand clutched a flash card that read:
Bismillah ah Rahman ah Raheem
In the name of God, the most gracious, most merciful
Alhamdu lil-ahi rab-bil alamin
All praise be to the Lord, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds
Ah rahman-ah rahim
The most merciful, most gracious
Master of the day of judgment
Iyyaka n’abudu wa-Iyaka nasta-in
You alone do we worship, and to you alone do we turn to for help
Ihdi-nas sira-tal Mustaqim
Show us the straight path
Sira tal-ladhina an-amta alaihim
The path of those who went before us with your grace
Ghair-il Maghdubi ‘Alaihum
Who did not deserve your anger
Wa lad dal-in
Nor went astray
The awkward syllables filled the back of my throat like a swallowed cry as I struggled to make the foreign sounds. But as my mouth worked away at the words, I felt my spirit enter a world that existed outside of the senses, a dimension beyond time and space where the body does not confine the soul. I felt a deep, unending sense of mercy and forgiveness surround me.
As the first gentle rays of morning light reached me, I went to my knees, put my forehead to the floor, and I cried, Subhana rabi ya’Ayla (“Glorified is my Lord, the exalted”). Every single atom in the room praised God with me. The chairs and the shadows and the carpet beneath me all sang, “Glorified is our Lord!” The sun and the light prayed with me — their very essence ringing praise for our Creator. In those moments my imperfections and flaws were exposed, but I felt embraced and accepted, forgiven and loved. I found a sense of trust. I knew that the Being who created me knows me and protects me. In that moment I committed my life to that Being.
That commitment is continually evolving. It was a simple beginning: first with prayers any time I was able, fasting during the month of Ramadan, reading a page or two out of the Qur’an every once in a while.
Soon I noticed a change in the way that I saw the world. A bird’s chirp would strike me dumb with thankfulness for the gift of hearing. A playful toss of my horse’s head would send my heart singing with praise for the One who created this magnificent creature. The curiosity in the eyes of a child discovering something new reminded me of the gift of knowledge and made me crave a deeper understanding of Islam.
Over time I found myself praying five times each day, memorizing verses of the Qur’an, visiting the local mosque, and making friends with other Muslims.
Eventually I made the decision to wear hijab, the traditional Islamic head scarf. I chose to cover my head because I believe that it is a requirement of Islam. Not every Muslim feels this way, and some feel that the simple head covering is not enough. Each Muslim has his or her individual views about Islam, and we each have our own very personal relationship with God. For me, covering is a simple way to express my faith on the inside and out. But hijab also makes me different. Sometimes I forget how different.
One day I was trying to figure out how to put air in my car tires. A man came up to me and asked me if I’d like some help.
“Sure! Thanks,” I said.
While my tires were re-inflating he asked me where I was from. “From here, Syracuse,” I said.
“Really?” he asked. “But where are you originally from?” He looked confused.
“From Syracuse,” I told him.
It slowly dawned on him that I was an American. We continued our conversation with pleasant small talk, but the unasked questions hung in the air between us.
I can imagine how perplexed people are by my decision to cover my head. I think that most people see the head scarf as a form of suppression. When my aunt saw me wear it she said, “I can’t believe you want to do that. It’s so submissive! It’s just not like you.” My aunt has known me as a willful, stubborn, and independent woman. But to me, hijab is an expression of pride and dignity.
Each morning I practice my own flag-raising. Hand over hand, I carefully work the scarf around my head and I stand tall. I do not shrink into submission. My flag flies above a woman who loves to laugh and discover, who finds bliss at 15 hands and a blazing gallop, and who finds peace in worship. I wear hijab because it’s my choice. I wear it because I respect myself and I respect my religion, and I wear it because I am proud to be a Muslim.
All photographs by Rehan.
Amanda Gormley lives in Elbridge, New York. She recently started blogging at My Flag Flies Above.
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