Yes, I am challenged to forgive humans I have found myself hating since my own Mother began abusing me 48 years ago. Abuse became habitual,so the feelings of hatred grew like normal human feelings do.
I was not allowed to protest my mistreatment. I had no alternative than to stuff my human voice and the feelings of anger,resentment,and desire for retribution that accompany judgmentalism,being manipulated by false guilt,being made the object of projected and displaced rage as my Mother struggled to project the "normal" and therefore "healthy" nuclear family.
My Mother was a very damaged human being and she found trust seemingly impossible for most of her life. I know that trust is something I was trained to give away without regard to who was asking the questions. I also know this has been very detremental to my own growth because humans appear to be very immature and have taken advantage of almost every vulnerability I have expressed.
I know I was sick because I continued to want to trust even the people who hurt me the most--my own family of origin--and those I learned through culture were "trustworthy", when I often discovered through direct experience that quite the opposite was true.
I have,over the course of the last 20 years, had to unlearn the many sick ways of relating to society forced upon me by my own Mother and the society that looked the other way as she continued to abuse me.
Nobody,it seems, was willing to stand up to her rants and rages.
Actually, there aren't any qualities of human nature I want to cultivate personally because I now believe as a 51 year old that most of them are toxic in nature...leading only to disenchantment, disagreement and ultimately....divorce.
Who we will be for each other is something I think each of us must determine for him/her-self.
As for me, I would like to be thought a good husband,a good father(I love little kids and their unadulterated perspective), a good provider for a family, and to live out the rest of my life trying to make my girlfriend,fiancee,and wife always look twice as intelligent as she is, while I hope one of her major aims is to make me look a whole lot more attractive than I know myself to be.
Thanks for reading, Raul Armas
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