for many years, I have not been able to find the words to describe the last 15 years of my life - until I happened to get radio reception, since I was in a car, and heard the last 10 or 15 minutes of the show.
Tears of peace. Finally.Cancer, losing both breasts, home burning down with everything I'd inherited and/or owned - mostly irreplaceable, to my toothbrush... and Bucks, the cat who was in charge of the house on the hill in Alaska, where I had enjoyed mountains out the back, Mount McKinley (Denali) out the front & the water in between.
Life continued on to my neck falling apart (I had been in a very bad car accident years before), more surgeries, having to close down the business I was passionate & successful in, my husband leaving me, and then my spinal cord falling apart.
Surgery is not a possibility for that - but replacement spinal cords haven't been invented yet, anyway!
And then... I spent every penny of my retirement & all my reserves, trying to stay alive & pay for the medicine I required (my medical insurance I'd paid $968/month for was cancelled... shame, oh shame - I had actually used what I 'bought' every month!).
And the result? I went from being about the most independent person I know, to filing bankruptcy, because Social Security's state-run organizations that approve/disapprove SSDI (disability) that I'd paid so much into for many years, denied me over & over, for 4 years.
BUT luck was with me!
Why? The new bankruptcy law of 2005 made it harder for those who really had money to file Ch. 7 (total/complete) bankruptcy; BUT it also gave Federal Bankruptcy Judges the ability to waive the $300+ bankruptcy filing fee!
And still I laugh. And some who know just a little about me, may think I'm crazy. ;)But I'm not.
Those who do not know about my last 15 years - when they ask 'what's life been life?' - I have never found the words to explain it.
But tonight, I heard that I am just growing into my losses. And laughter!
If I ever get enough money together to buy Kevin's writings, I will do that in a heartbeat. I need them! And I eventually will have enough to do so. A few years ago, a Federal Judge finally saw my case, cancelled my scheduled hearing & approved my disability unconditionally, back to when I first applied years before.
So many tears since I heard the end of this program - and hope now, because someone else out there in the world understands, and is also growing through pain, PTSD, etc., into loss and laughter.
If you follow up with Kevin - please - please - let him know how much the last few minutes of the program meant.
I have been 'isolated', not having anyone in this little town that comprehends this kind of trauma... but hearing him & seeing this great picture of he & his wife makes me feel connected to the world again - just hearing the voice of someone else on this journey into loss and laughter.
Thank you. Thank you.
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