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Luke. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your fine and thoughtful verse. I have been thinking about you since first reading your post a few days ago. What keeps coming to mind is a conversation I had with my sister on Christmas Day. We grew up in a mainline church, one in which there was little substance- it seemed more social than spiritual. My sister told me of visiting a conservative Bible believing church with a friend when she was in elementary school. She shared with me that while at that service, she heard scripture and prayed the sinner's prayer committing her life to the Lord. She never shared this with anyone and went on to live a life "doing whatever she wanted to do" until God brought her back through life events and a study of the Bible and apologetics when she was around 30. She shared that "God does not let you go." Even though she made her commitment as a child, she is convinced God honored it. Luke, you are struggling and perhaps disappointed with the people around you and perhaps your church, but God will not let you go. You are His. Even though you may not be strong enough to cling to Him right now, His grip is strong. God will not let you go.