After finding myself a bitter, dried out and angry woman, I turned to a group meditation class out of desperation to get out of the inertia and pattern of self-destruction I had been forging for years. The cumulative effect of the rising anger and resentment was beginning to surface in all areas of my life - health, relationships, and inability to move forward with any notion of a career path. Through this group meditation, I came to spend time with an individual who informed me that simply changing my outlook, to be grateful every day, to not get on that loop of negativity was somehow going to rewire my brain. Miraculously, it has. Without me even being conscious about it, I began to notice changes in my life - I am not abroad, lost weight, and can honestly say that I'm much happier. But at the same time, I continue to struggle with disappointments from people. I continue to have expectations of reciprocation of kindness, which elude me. I feel that I have this bottomless pit of love and I give and give and give, and after a while, I feel empty, lonely and used. Is this normal? I realize that we cannot be one way at all times, but I often find myself disappointed with my fellow mankind. I don't seem to attract good, grounded, honorable people in my life, but the opposite. It is a struggle to be vulnerable with people when it seems more and more that I must be guarded in life, which leads to even more loneliness as I don't want to engage with people anymore. I was at a breakfast nook in the 6th arrondissment in Paris, and because the woman sitting at the table did not appear to want to chat (since she was chatting with the owner) and I just wanted to eat and look at a video of my party I hosted the night before, I proceeded to watch it. Then, she began to whisper to the waitress that I am rude for not even saying hello to her and engaging in conversation, that the neighborhood has become overrun with tourists and non-French (bringing in the racism as is typical here in France), that I am representative of the problem with the changing times in the neighborhood, etc.). And all i wanted to do was eat a bagel with lox and coffee and just be left alone, not to be harassed and maligned in public with them assuming that I didn't understand anything they were saying. I suppose I could have said something to her, but I find that arguing with unreasonable and stupid people serves no purpose. But then I also thought, is this indicative of my trend toward turning into a miser? not wanting to engage with people? This incident was quite a sad note to my day, though I did manage to get through the day somehow as I surprisingly always do.
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