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Thank you for sharing this - it is impossible for many to understand that the world and view of a suicide contemplator is another territory altogether, like a moonscape with little gravity and large pits one can get lost in and the optimism might as well be the orb of earth in the distance, for others and too far for you.
I believe that there is no one answer to why and what one feels before attempting (those that succeed and those that don't) but that most feel both it is more about getting out of the darkness that is their life than getting out of a darkness that is life. However, I am so glad that for you, at least, and I believe it could be for others if help is there in time, this darkness is but part of the journey of their life that leads them ahead for isn't the darkness a sign something needs to change not that something needs to die?